Saturday, December 20, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 20 '08 JFK Quote

We need men who can dream of things that never were.
John F. Kennedy, speech in Dublin, Ireland, June 28, 1963

Friday, December 19, 2008

Fun on the Web December 19 '08Hostess Blog

Milwaukee's very own party planner, Laura Gross with Party Styles has been chosen as one of the Top 10 Finalists in an online Holiday Table Decorating Contest!

To vote for Laura's Modern Chanukah Table, go to

http://www/Hostessblog.com


and leave a comment at the bottom of the page voting for "G. Modern Chanukah Tablescape." Voting is only for two days and ends Friday night at 11:59 pm E.S.T. Please encourage your family and friends to visit the site so they can vote too!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 18 '08 JFK Quote

If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. ~~ John F. Kennedy, inaugural address, January 20, 1961

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 17 '08 JFK Quote

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 15 '08 Quote

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
~~ P. G. Wodehouse

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 12 '08 Quote

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. - Laurence J. Peter

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 6 '08 Quotes from Dilbert

Happy St Nicks!

Straight from Dilbert:

TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
"Please feel free to jump in if I'm right."
"He was originally born in Cuba."
"Well, that just opened up panda's box!"
"That's just a whole different ball of fish."
"We're between a pickle and a hard spot."
"There's more than one way to spank a cat."
"The tracks are greased and the train is ready to leave the station".
"You better get on the boat, 'cause this train's leavin' the station!"
"I'm just talking out loud here".

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 3 '08

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 2 '08 JFK Quote

The men who create power make an indispensable contribution to the Nation’s greatness, but the men who question power make a contribution just as indispensable, especially when that questioning is disinterested, for they determine whether we use power or power uses us.
John F. Kennedy, Amherst College, Oct 26, 1963

Monday, December 1, 2008

Fun on the Web Dec 1 '08 and then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

==============================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

==============================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

==============================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

==============================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

==============================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 22 '08 Stores closing in '09

Places NOT to buy Xmas gifts if you think they might need to be exchanged/returned!

....Checked on Snopes.

It seems there are lots of stores that are closing due to the "recession" and the fact that people are not shopping. If you have any "gift cards" from these stores, make sure you use them, or you will lose them!

Watch those store money cards, gift cards, and credit slips! The following stores have informed the Security Exchange of closing plans between October 2008 and January 2009.

.
Circuit City stores... most recent (? how many)

Ann Taylor- 117 stores nationwide are to be shuttered

Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug ,and Catherine's to close 150 stores nationwide

Eddie Bauer to close stores 27 stores and more after January

Cache will close all stores

Talbots closing down all stores

J. Jill closing all stores

GAP closing 85 stores

Footlocker closing 140 stores more to close after January

Wickes Furniture closing down

Levitz closing down remaining stores

Bombay closing remaining stores

Zales closing down 82 stores and 105 after January.

Whitehall closing all stores

Piercing Pagoda closing all stores

Disney closing 98 stores and will close more after January.

Home Depot closing 15 stores

Macys to close 9 stores after January

Linens and Things closing a ll stores

Movie Galley Closing all stores

Pacific Sunware closing stores

Pep Boys Closing 33 stores

Sprint/ Nextel closing 133 stores

JC Penney closing a number of stores after January

Ethan Allen closing down 12 stores.

Wilson Leather closing down all stores

Sharper Image closing down all stores

K B Toys closing 356 stores

Lowes to close down some stores

Dillard's to close some stores.

PLEASE PASS THIS INFO ON TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 18 '08 Open a Jar

The older I get the less strength I have in my hands so these tips will come in handy
http://www.wikihow.com/Open-a-Difficult-Jar

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 16 '08 Funny

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.
I went into thelocal coffee shop for a snack. I was only
there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there
was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired
person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing
the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him
a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another
ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a
moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus,
and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those
bumper stickers that said, ' McCain-Palin '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The
doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Fun on the Web On my soapbox

November 4, 2008 since I am afraid this article will disappear, here it is
Editorial from the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/04/opinion/04tue1.html


So Little Time, So Much Damage
While Americans eagerly vote for the next president, here’s a sobering reminder: As of Tuesday, George W. Bush still has 77 days left in the White House — and he’s not wasting a minute.

President Bush’s aides have been scrambling to change rules and regulations on the environment, civil liberties and abortion rights, among others — few for the good. Most presidents put on a last-minute policy stamp, but in Mr. Bush’s case it is more like a wrecking ball. We fear it could take months, or years, for the next president to identify and then undo all of the damage.

Here is a look — by no means comprehensive — at some of Mr. Bush’s recent parting gifts and those we fear are yet to come.

CIVIL LIBERTIES We don’t know all of the ways that the administration has violated Americans’ rights in the name of fighting terrorism. Last month, Attorney General Michael Mukasey rushed out new guidelines for the F.B.I. that permit agents to use chillingly intrusive techniques to collect information on Americans even where there is no evidence of wrongdoing.

Agents will be allowed to use informants to infiltrate lawful groups, engage in prolonged physical surveillance and lie about their identity while questioning a subject’s neighbors, relatives, co-workers and friends. The changes also give the F.B.I. — which has a long history of spying on civil rights groups and others — expanded latitude to use these techniques on people identified by racial, ethnic and religious background.

The administration showed further disdain for Americans’ privacy rights and for Congress’s power by making clear that it will ignore a provision in the legislation that established the Department of Homeland Security. The law requires the department’s privacy officer to account annually for any activity that could affect Americans’ privacy — and clearly stipulates that the report cannot be edited by any other officials at the department or the White House.

The Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel has now released a memo asserting that the law “does not prohibit” officials from homeland security or the White House from reviewing the report. The memo then argues that since the law allows the officials to review the report, it would be unconstitutional to stop them from changing it. George Orwell couldn’t have done better.

THE ENVIRONMENT The administration has been especially busy weakening regulations that promote clean air and clean water and protect endangered species.

Mr. Bush, or more to the point, Vice President Dick Cheney, came to office determined to dismantle Bill Clinton’s environmental legacy, undo decades of environmental law and keep their friends in industry happy. They have had less success than we feared, but only because of the determined opposition of environmental groups, courageous members of Congress and protests from citizens. But the White House keeps trying.

Mr. Bush’s secretary of the interior, Dirk Kempthorne, has recently carved out significant exceptions to regulations requiring expert scientific review of any federal project that might harm endangered or threatened species (one consequence will be to relieve the agency of the need to assess the impact of global warming on at-risk species). The department also is rushing to remove the gray wolf from the endangered species list — again. The wolves were re-listed after a federal judge ruled the government had not lived up to its own recovery plan.

In coming weeks, we expect the Environmental Protection Agency to issue a final rule that would weaken a program created by the Clean Air Act, which requires utilities to install modern pollution controls when they upgrade their plants to produce more power. The agency is also expected to issue a final rule that would make it easier for coal-fired power plants to locate near national parks in defiance of longstanding Congressional mandates to protect air quality in areas of special natural or recreational value.

Interior also is awaiting E.P.A.’s concurrence on a proposal that would make it easier for mining companies to dump toxic mine wastes in valleys and streams.

And while no rules changes are at issue, the interior department also has been rushing to open up millions of acres of pristine federal land to oil and gas exploration. We fear that, in coming weeks, Mr. Kempthorne will open up even more acreage to the commercial development of oil shale, a hugely expensive and environmentally risky process that even the oil companies seem in no hurry to begin. He should not.

ABORTION RIGHTS Soon after the election, Michael Leavitt, the secretary of health and human services, is expected to issue new regulations aimed at further limiting women’s access to abortion, contraceptives and information about their reproductive health care options.

Existing law allows doctors and nurses to refuse to participate in an abortion. These changes would extend the so-called right to refuse to a wide range of health care workers and activities including abortion referrals, unbiased counseling and provision of birth control pills or emergency contraception, even for rape victims.



The administration has taken other disturbing steps in recent weeks. In late September, the I.R.S. restored tax breaks for banks that take big losses on bad loans inherited through acquisitions. Now we learn that JPMorgan Chase and others are planning to use their bailout funds for mergers and acquisitions, transactions that will be greatly enhanced by the new tax subsidy.

One last-minute change Mr. Bush won’t be making: He apparently has decided not to shut down the prison in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba — the most shameful symbol of his administration’s disdain for the rule of law.

Mr. Bush has said it should be closed, and his secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice, and his secretary of defense, Robert Gates, pushed for it. Proposals were prepared, including a plan for sending the real bad guys to other countries for trial. But Mr. Cheney objected, and the president has refused even to review the memos. He will hand this mess off to his successor.

We suppose there is some good news in all of this. While Mr. Bush leaves office on Jan. 20, 2009, he has only until Nov. 20 to issue “economically significant” rule changes and until Dec. 20 to issue other changes. Anything after that is merely a draft and can be easily withdrawn by the next president.

Unfortunately, the White House is well aware of those deadlines.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 13 '08 Funny

One night, after the couple had retired for the night,
the woman became aware that her husband was
touching her in a most unusual manner. He started
by running his hand across her shoulders and the
small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts,
touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to
run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to
a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side
and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her
left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same
to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and
she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his
side of the bed.

Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.

He whispered back, 'I found the remote.'

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 12 '08 Funny

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two
days before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,'
the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Chicago and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on
the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll
take care of this,' She calls Phoenix immediately, and
screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then,don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs
up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and
paying their own way.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 11 '08 Funny

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
This is hysterical. You have to try this.
It is absolutely true.
I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.


You have to try this please - it takes 2 seconds.
I could not believe this!!!

It is from an orthopedic surgeon.......
This will boggle your mind and it will keep you trying
over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot,
but you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are
GOOFY....) and while sitting at your desk in front of your
computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clock-
wise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air
with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day
is done, you are going to try it again, if you've not already
done so......

Monday, November 10, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 10 '08 Word Puzzle

WORD PUZZLE
See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1 Banana 2 Dresser 3 Grammar 4 Potato 5 Revive 6 Uneven 7 Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try .


Look at each word carefully.


(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)

This Is Cool.


Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.

(Thought I had the answer, but I did not go far enough.)

Answer:


In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 9 '08 Awesome

Fabulous photo - just move your cursor over the photo
http://wvs.topleftpixel.com/flash/cntower_timelapse.swf

Friday, November 7, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 7 '08 Funny

A very tired nurse walks into a bank.
Totally exhausted after an 18 hour shift
preparing to write a check, she pulls a
rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake she looks at the
flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat
she says "Well thats great--thats just great....

Some jerk's got my pen.."

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 5 '08 Quote

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing. - Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 4 '08 Vote

I hope you vote! Here's where to do it:
http://ballotpedia.org/wiki/index.php/State_Poll_Opening_and_Closing_Times

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Fun on the Web Nov 1 '08 Quote

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. - George F. Will

Friday, October 31, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 31 '08

Makeup like a fairy
http://www.wikihow.com/Do-Your-Make-up-Like-a-Fairy-for-Halloween

Time Magazines 50 Best Inventions
http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1852747_1854493,00.html


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trick or Treating By Astrological Sign...

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a
costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the
optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all
night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Fun on the Web Justice? News

Did the Bush Administration help corporation avoid responsibilities?
http://www.justice.org/cps/rde/xchg/justice/hs.xsl/3672.htm

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 27 '08 Quote

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
- Aaron McGruder

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 22 '08 Quote

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 21 '08 Quote

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
- Hansell B. Duckett

Monday, October 20, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 20 '08 Seal

Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 19 '08 Potential vs Reality

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 18 '08 Squirrels

Church Squirrels

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church,
the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will . . .

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles out side of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution so far. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 17 '08 Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.

But there was a problem:

Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, Once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red?.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after..

Question: What was in the prince's pants??
(Scroll down for the answer)

<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<


M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking???

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 16 '08 Quote

To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.
- Albert Einstein

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 15 '08 Printable Cards

http://www.123printcards.com/
http://www.dltk-cards.com/
http://www.thecustomcards.com/
http://www.printfree.com/

Monday, October 13, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 13 '08 Craft sites

These are my favorites but there are many many more
http://www.getcrafty.com/
http://www.notmartha.org/
http://www.shelterrific.com/
http://www.ehow.com/
http://www.howstuffworks.com/
http://www.wikihow.com/Main-Page

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 12 '08 Kids Sites

http://www.beritsbest.com/
http://www.magickeys.com/books/
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/Home.html
http://www.brightideas.com/index.jsp
http://www.storybookonline.net/
http://www.surfnetkids.com/
http://kids.yahoo.com/
http://www.superkids.com/
http://www.genaustin.org/public/

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 11 '08 Friends

Friendship between Women:


A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10
best friends. None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship between Men:


A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that
he was still there.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 10 '08 Quotes

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
- Richard Feynman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy. - Richard Feynman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.
- Richard Feynman -

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it. - Richard Feynman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who is Richard Feynman? A US educator & physicist; wrote memoirs "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman" 1985 "What Do You Care What Other People Think" 1988; led investigation of Challenger explosion; Nobel Prize in Physics 1965

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 8 '08 Fun Blogs

http://ohhaveyouseenthis.blogspot.com/
http://blaine.org/sevenimpossiblethings/
http://94270-historia.blogspot.com/
http://milwaukeedailyphoto.com/

Free fonts
http://www.kevinandamanda.com/scrapbook/fonts/

http://www.calculatorcat.com/moon_phases/daily_moon_phases.phtml

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 7 '08 Lolcats

Lol cats
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lolcat

LOLSpeak
http://speaklolspeak.com/
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/04/24/lol-kitteh-as-a-second-language-lksl-101-in-five-easy-steps/

I Can Has Cheezburger
http://icanhascheezburger.com/

I Can Has a Hot Dog
http://ihasahotdog.com/

and now ROFLrazzi
http://roflrazzi.com/

and Engrish Funny
http://engrishfunny.com/

More Pet HoldingsSites
http://totallylookslike.com/
http://punditkitchen.com/
http://graphjam.com/

Monday, October 6, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 6 '08 Auctions

Seized Property Auctions
http://www.usps.com/auctions/
http://www.treas.gov/auctions/
http://www.surplussales.gsa.gov/
http://www.ost.state.wi.us/home/up.html
http://www.doa.state.wi.us/category.asp?linkcatid=20&linkid=46&locid=2
http://www.state.il.us/cms/1_buying/statesurp.htm
http://gsaauctions.gov/gsaauctions/gsaauctions/
http://www.gsa.gov/Portal/gsa/ep/channelView.do?pageTypeId=8199&channelPage=%2Fep%2Fchannel%2FgsaOverview.jsp&channelId=-13248

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 5 '08 Questions

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

If Life Were Like A Computer:
- You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

- You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

- You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

- You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

- You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

- To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

- If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 3 '08 Basic Tech Tips

Awesome Basic Computer Tech Tips from Pougue
http://pogue.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/10/02/tech-tips-for-the-basic-computer-user/
make sure to scroll down through the comments for even more tips

even more tips
http://www.keyxl.com/aaa367b/5/Microsoft-Word-keyboard-shortcuts.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Fun on the Web Oct 2 '08 Slogan generator

The Joy of Jewelry And All That Jazz.

Enter a word for your own slogan:

Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator. Get more jewelry and all that jazz slogans.


I found this slogan generator and other web toys at

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 25 '08 Dogs

DOG BREEDS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

* Combine a Pointer with a Setter to get a traditional
Christmas pet, the Pointsetter.

* Would you get a dog for visionaries if you bred a Kerry
Blue Terrier with a Skye Terrier so it came out as a Blue
Skye?

* Merge a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund and you'd get
a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

* Breed a Pekinese with a Lhasa Apso to get a Peekasso,
an abstract dog.

* Mix an Irish Water Spaniel with an English Springer
Spaniel to create an Irish Springer, a dog that's fresh
and clean as a whistle!

* Research scientists would choose to blend a Labrador
Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever to make a Lab
Coat Retriever.

* Combine a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound to make
a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

* If you bred a Terrier with a Bulldog that would be a
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

* To get a dog that you can't shut up, mix a Bloodhound
with a Labrador to make a Blabrador.

* If you combine a Malamute and a Pointer, that would be
a Moot Point, a dog that ... ah ... umm ... oh well, doesn't
matter.

* Finally, breed a Collie with a Malamute to create a
Commute, a dog that will travel to work with you.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 21 '08 Hmmmm

Got this in my e-mail today... Thought I'd share

* If you're a minority and you're selected for a job over more qualified candidates you're a "token hire."

* If you're a conservative and you're selected for a job over more qualified candidates you're a "game changer."

* Black teen pregnancies? A "crisis" in black America .

* White teen pregnancies? A "blessed event."

* If you grow up in Hawaii you're "exotic."

* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you're the quintessential "American story."

* Similarly, if you name you kid Barack you're "unpatriotic."

* Name your kid Track, you're "colorful."

* If you're a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fully vetting the individual you're "reckless."

* A Republican who doesn't fully vet is a "maverick."

* If you spend 3 years as a community organizer growing your organization from a staff of 1 to 13 and your budget from $70,000 to $400,000, then become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new African Amerian voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, then spend nearly 8 more years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, becoming chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, then spend nearly 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of nearly 13 million people, sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you are woefully inexperienced.

* If you spend 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, then spend 20 months as the governor of a state with 650,000 people, then you've got the most executive experience of anyone on either ticket, are the Commander in Chief of the Alaska military and are well qualified to lead the nation should you be called upon to do so because your state is the closest state to Russia.

* If you are a Democratic male candidate who is popular with millions of people you are an "arrogant celebrity."

* If you are a popular Republican female candidate you are "energizing the base."

* If you are a younger male candidate who thinks for himself and makes his own decisions you are "presumptuous."

* If you are an older male candidate who makes last minute decisions you refuse to explain, you are a "shoot from the hip" maverick.

* If you are a candidate with a Harvard law degree you are "an elitist-out of touch" with the real America .

* if you are a legacy (dad and granddad were admirals) graduate of Annapolis , with multiple disciplinary infractions you are a hero.

* If you manage a multi-million dollar nationwide campaign, you are an "empty suit."

* If you are a part time mayor of a town of 7000 people, you are an "experienced executive."

* If you go to a south side Chicago church, your beliefs are "extremist."

* If you believe in creationism and don't believe global warming is man made, you are "strongly principled."

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

* If you have been married to the same woman with whom you've been wed to for 19 years and raising 2 beautiful daughters with, you're "risky."

* If you're a black single mother of 4 who waits for 22 hours after her water breaks to seek medical attention, you're an irresponsible parent, endangering the life of your unborn child.

* But if you're a white married mother who waits 22 hours, you're spunky.

* If you're a 13-year-old Chelsea Clinton, the right-wing press calls you "First dog."

* If you're a 17-year old pregnant unwed daughter of a Republican, the right-wing press calls you "beautiful" and "courageous."

* If you kill an endangered species, you're an excellent hunter.

* If you have an abortion, you're a murderer (forget about if it happened while being raped.)

* If you teach abstinence only in sex education, you get teen parents.

* If you teach responsible age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If you're a Republican senator who solicits gay sex in an airport bathroom, you get to return to your job in the Senate and are encouraged to run for re-election.

* If you're a Democratic Senator who is out of public office and have an affair, your political career is over and your wife who has terminal cancer is to blame.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 20 '08 Drive In Movies

Sad to say our local Drive In Movie is closed for the season
but you can find driveins across the USA from here:
http://www.highway18.com/Links.htm

If you are somewhere else, just take a ticket and drive in
http://www.driveinmovie.com/

Monday, September 15, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 15 '08

She packs a wallop with her words!

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.
Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 13 '08 funny

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or Pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine however women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss ofMoney, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

Some people are like slinkys. Not really good for anything, but still bring a smile to your face when pushed down a flight of stairs.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 12 '08 Scrabble quotes

Happy Birthday to my sister!

FAMOUS SCRABBLE QUOTES

Some famous people have dabbled in Scrabble: Richard Burton, King Farouk, Omar Sharif and Mel Gibson to name a few. But there are other celebrities who, in the course of history, have uttered immortal comments which have since become part and parcel of the Scrabble player's vernacular. Many of these utterances are still heard in clubs and tournaments around the world.

SOCRATES "I have HEMLOCK but I can't get it down."

RICHARD THE THIRD (playing Henry Tudor on Bosworth Field) "Gadzooks, I'm stuck with the Q!"

ANNE BOLEYN (playing her torturer in the Tower of London) "Damn this rack! I can't get any E's."

SAINT AUGUSTINE (on his death-bed) "Did I miss something?"

MICHELANGELO "I can't make anything with these tiles".

CASANOVA "I find it hard to score with a tight board."

COUNT DRACULA "I prefer to play upside down."

WILD BILL HICKOK "Let's draw to see who goes first."

KARL MARX "I'm going to change the lot."

ALBERT EINSTEIN "Can we check the score? I think I've added up wrong."

CAPTAIN ROBERT SCOTT (playing in a tent near the South Pole) "That's life – finally you have TRIUMPH on your rack then somebody takes your spot."

HENRY FORD "I play a tight game. On my board nobody gets a bonus."

KING EDWARD VIII "I think I'll pass my turn."

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE (playing Stanley in the Congo with E - G - I - M - P - S - Y on his rack) "I just know there's something in here somewhere."

MAE WEST (playing with Cary Grant) "If you were a gentleman, sweetie, you wouldn't have blocked my opening."

REVEREND WILLIAM SPOONER (last words) "Are there any betters left in the lag?"

ADOLF HlTLER (playing with Neville Chamberlain in Munich) "Do you mind if I take back my word?"

AL CAPONE "So? Taking out more than seven is a crime?"

HARRY HOUDINI "This board is so blocked not even I can find somewhere to go."

JACK BENNY "I just get I-O-U-I-O-U all the time?"

ARCHIE MOORE (playing Rocky Marciano in 1955) "I 'll turn you into CORKY MACARONI."

AROLD STEPTOE (playing his father) "You dirty old man! You never change! But when I dump a rackful of vowels I just pick up more rubbish."

HENRY KISSINGER (playing Nixon on the flight back from China ) "What I said, Richard, was 'Peking's in the bag, okay' not 'Peeking in the bag's okay'."

RONALD REAGAN (playing Gorbachev in Geneva) "Is it your move or mine?"

JOHN McENROE (sending back a challenge slip at Wimbledon) "You've gotta be joking! What do you mean, there's a hyphen in MOTHERF – – – – – – ?"

GEORGE BURNS "I used to play Scrabble with Gracie. It was the only way I could get a word in edgewise."

JAMES CAGNEY (caught with F-B-I-F-B-I-Q at the end of the game) "You dirty rack!"

BONES McCOY (on Star Trek): "Dammit, Jim! I'm a DOCTOR, not a Scrabble expert!"

MARIE ANTOINETTE (on being told the peasants have no bread): "Well, let them eat the Q!"

NIKITA KRUSCHEV: "We will bury you (with bingos)."

JFK: "Ask not what your rack can do for you. Ask what you can do foryour rack."

BEAVER CLEAVER: "Gosh Wally, how come you git all the blanks?"

JUNE CLEAVER: "The Beav's asleep, Ward. Let's go play strip Scrabble!"

TAMMY WYNETTE: "D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Bingo!"

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 10 '08

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this story:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 3 '08 funny

There were two nuns. . . .

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. The man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought this would be naughty. . . .
Two whacks across your palms with a wooden ruler.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Fun on the Web Sept 2 '08 Black & White

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and he is
so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!
Hope you enjoy this.

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You "white" folks...
When youi're born, you're PINK,
When you grow up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GRAY.

So who y'all callin' COLORED folks?

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 31 '08 Late Night Quips

Recent Quips from Late Night
"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman

"This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien

"As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman

"Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused." --Jay Leno

"How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno

"John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 27 '08 funny

A woman I know had a dog who appeared very sick so she finally took him to the vet. The vet examined the dog turned to my lady friend and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog is dead."

Well the lady had had this dog for many, many years and just could not accept it was gone so she argued a bit with the doctor- "No, no, he's not dead, he's just gotten hard of hearing and doesn't move very fast anymore, that's why you didn't get any response!"

Well, the vet looked at her sadly for a minute, and then said, " Well, there is one thing I can do that will prove once and for all if your dog is dead or not."

Reaching behind him, he pulled a cat out of a crate and waved back and forth in front of the dog's nose. Nothing. He peeled back one of the dog's eyelids and waved the cat back and forth for the dog to see. Nothing.

Finally, he held the cat by one of the dog's ears, pinched the cat and made it yowl- right in the dog's ear. Nothing. The vet put the cat back in the crate, turned to the lady and said, "I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do, the dog is dead. Please see my secretary on the way out."

The poor lady finally had to accept the inevitable and sadly shuffled out to the secretary's desk. The secretary said, I'm sorry about your dog. That will be $250."

That was enough to shock the poor lady out of her grief and she exclaimed, "$250! Whatever for?"

"Well", said the secretary, "It's $50 for the doctor's visit, and $200 for the cat scan."

Monday, August 25, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 25 '08 Funny

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked
how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it
discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the
child support payments to begin.

One day, about 6 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card
today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send
extra sauce."

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 24 '08 Born 1920-1979

Those Born 1920-1979
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---

VERY WELL STATED TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them. CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 19 '08 Chinese Proverbs

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 18 '08 Trivia

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$16,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 16 '08 Joke

Thanks to Erin for this gem

The Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The older one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 14 '08 Feel Good

Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one. It Does Make You Feel Good, especially the thought at the end of #44.


1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
28. Playing with a new puppy.
29. Having someone play with your hair.
30. Sweet dreams.
31. Hot chocolate.
32. Road trips with friend s.
33. Swinging on swings.
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35. Making chocolate chip cookies.
36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
37. Holding hands with someone you care about.
38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
40. Watching the sunrise.
41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
42. Knowing that somebody misses you.
43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Pass on These Natural Highs to at Least 7 People in the Next Half Hour and Something Fantastic Will Happen to You in the Next Few Hours.
Be sure to send it back to the person who sent it to you!

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth .

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 13 '08 Funny

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total st rangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Fun on the Web Aug 12 '08 Funny

Real Classified Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.:
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED:
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.