GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days --- mowing
my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have
two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called
a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over
ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-
shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge
asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back,
and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of
your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last
time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God
you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based
on crappy old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's
playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering
me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's
not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then
for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available
piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that?'
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment