Fun on the Web May 23, 2011 Picking a Tie

Have you ever wonder how to pick good ties?
http://www.wikihow.com/Choose-a-Tie

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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading and invading America....Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.


And furthermore


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT?:


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."


2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."


3. She is not "EASY" - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."


6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."


7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED"


8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."


9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."


10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."


11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."


12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT?:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."


5. He is not a Cradle Robber He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."


6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."


7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He developed a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."


9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."


10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."


11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It is "REAR CLEAVAGE."

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1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6 WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
7. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
(because if they all went, it would be Hell.)


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart......
Then you are just an old sour fart.

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Things to Ponder

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seatbelts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this: no one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
20. How is it that a little boy who is deathly afraid of needles has to have piercings when he turns 18?

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